Getting down with the kids: kitchen clubbing in five simple steps

If you’re anything like me, your “clubbing” days ended long before you squeezed a tiny human out.

Perhaps you occasionally hear a heavy-based diddy on the radio and discover that your hips, despite being wider/squidgier than before, are still capable of gyrating in a satisfactorily suggestive manner.

Clubs are overrated.

Allow me to introduce you to kitchen clubbing, in five simple steps:

Step 1: Never plan in advance

Back in the day, the coolest clubs were those with minimal signage; the dimly-lit best kept secrets. Turn your kitchen party into the hush-hush event of the school week:

Just let it happen unannounced.

Step 2: Have a playlist on standby

As soon as the tiny tyrants allow, make yourself a kitchen clubbing playlist to have on standby.

In case the only songs that spring to mind are “Wind the bobbin up” or “If you’re happy and you know it” (which you’re gosh darn not, by the way), try these:

  • You Sexy thing- Hot Chocolate
  • Signed Sealed Delivered – Stevie Wonder
  • House work- Jax Jones
  • Mr. Wendal- Arrested Development
  • Ice Ice baby- Vanilla Ice
  • You can call me Al- Paul Simon
  • Bust a Move- Young MC
  • Just like heaven- The Cure
  • It’s Tricky- Run D.M.C.
  • Dancing in the Moonlight- Toploader

( Judge my choices if you must.  The toddler and I have got moves to back ’em up.)


My dancing companions, moments before breaking out into “The Robot”

Step 4: Wear something ridiculous

This is the best part about kitchen clubbing!!  No one is wondering what your bits look like; hubby is used to the scenery and the kidlets came out of them. So all that you need to compliment your lovely lady lumps are some milk stained pajamas and a dishcloth on your head for good measure.


THIS KID. (not mine unfortunately. Photo: teamjimmyjo)

Should you happen to get caught in an impromptu kitchen clubbing session whilst still in work attire, you can improvise by accessorizing with kitchen utensils or by exchanging clothing with a family member of your choice.

Step 3: Turn it up LOUD.

I cannot stress this enough: your entire party will flop if the volume is not at least 3 button pushes above what you think is already too loud for the neighbors.

IPhone speakers just don’t cut the mustard (pun? Kitchen related? Bit tenuous?). Treat yourself to some speakers.

Something like these will do:


KitSound Boombar Bluetooth Portable speakers (£29.95, John Lewis)

Step 4: Throw in a few lunges/ pull a bass face

Have you ever seen someone lunge on the dance floor and NOT started lunging alongside them? They are addictive.

Trust me.  LUNGE.

As for the “Bass Face”, some of you (hi mom!) may require a definition:

Bass Face : A human facial expression identified by a flaring of the nostrils and raising of the upper lip which is caused by ‘70’s influenced funk bass playing. (

Also known as “Stank Face”.


“Ooohhhh dat stanky!”


Step 5: Repeat whenever possible.

Adulting is hard.

Don’t you miss being unproductive??

“Dancing till midnight” has been replaced by “sorting out the recycling and then having an early night” ….and that’s OK.

We’ve still got it.

For dishcloth wearing thirty-(*COUGH*)-year-olds surrounded by lunging sprogs, I like to think that we are giving Run D.M.C. a run for his money.

If we can’t be twenty one again, we may as well get down with the kids.♥



(Photo: Fuse Via Getty Images)




My Petit Canard


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